well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
