Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
