life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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