sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
