My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Randomize
