Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize