tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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