There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
