I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
