You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
