Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
