I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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