Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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