it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
