Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
