In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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