theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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