quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize