we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
