Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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