Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
