the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
