The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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