I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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