wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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