he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
