Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
