bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
