My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I need moral support for this bender
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
