I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
