Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
