dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
