So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
