I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize