She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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