oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
