I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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