Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
