you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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