I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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