I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize