i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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