We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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