note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
