I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
