I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
