So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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