my sisters under your porch take her home
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
