"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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