I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
