I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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