I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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