If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
