i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
