the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
