Your mouth is God's brothel.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Randomize
