I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i need to put some appletini on your dick
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize