upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
