I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
