i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
