if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i came on her dog
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
